July 13, 2008

Here I am again. Nearly six months later. My words and thoughts are once more sought after, requested, missed, and yearned for.

This has just become one of those things that I have neglected and put off for no good reason. I have felt the need to purge my thoughts, emotions, desires, frustrations, to relfect, process and let go.

I don't know. I suppose I have become even more introverted with my personal shit?! Or maybe just fucking tired.

I know, I have been working my ass off and that I'm never fucking home. So, during the one day at home that I have all to myself every week, if I'm not running errands or doing chores around the house, I don't really feel like delving into my thoughts and emotions. I guess it just seems too much like work anymore. If I only get one day to myself out of my hectic, demanding, and stressfull weeks, why would I want to spend it introspectively. It's not that I necessarily have a knee-jerk reaction to the idea of taking a step back and looking upon/assessing myself and life from a thrid person point of view. It's just if I have limited down time and I am so dead exhausted and burned out by the end of my weeks, I just want to spend this time not thinking or doing much at all.

I have come to relish Sundays as absolute lazy days with Chris. Usually she's pretty good about letting me sleep in until at least 9am (this morning it was 10!). Sundays are our one whole day out of the week that we get to see each other for the entire day.

Mondays. Mondays are mine! Considering that during my work week I average about 3.5 hours of sleep per night. And for three days in a row I am on my feet and going for 20 out of 24 hours of the day. So, it is not an uncommon thing for me rack up nearly 18+ hours of sleep between Sunday night and Monday afternoon.

That all being said. In general, life is hectic and busy. For the most part I try to keep perspective of what matters and keep a positive attitude. However, we all know that I am myself. I am scorpio. I am abrasive/offensive at times. I am rigid/stubborn. I can very easliy be antisocial. There are times when my resources are quite low and it is all that I can do to just bite my tongue and walk away from things. Then there are the other times when stupid little shit (it's always the little menial things) will just set me off and I can't help but fly off the handle and rant/rave, curse, and sometimes hurt and cut people down just because they are there or because they happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and do something stupid. These are the times when I should not be in public or anywhere around people. Especially if it is anywhere around/close to the generel stupid american public (Walmart in Texas). Of course, when I am in this antisocial/berzerker/psycopathic state, nobody is exempt our immune from my brooding, but I find that I do tend to real it in and hold back a little more if you are (forgive me for saying) above middle-middle class and obviously better educated and have more class and brain cells than the average fucking idiot.

It's funny. I guess I am somewhat of a hypocrite. I will stop anybody dead in their tracks for making any derogatory remarks in regards to race/religion/sex/ethnicity etc.. But if you are a flat out average intellegence/TV watching/crowd following/Anheuser Bush drinking/knuckle-dragging/neanderthal/ dumbass, run-of-the-mill American idiot... I stuggle greatly on a daily basis to find the smallest amount of tolerance for you. And if I am in one of those moods... YOU ARE THE FUCKING SCUM OF THE EARTH. In my opinion you are not even worthy of breathing the same air that I do. Goddess help you if you get in my way and then just stand there with that dumb-stricken look upon your face all completely oblivious to the world around you. You just fucked up, Buddy! You crossed pathes with a tornado. You might as well be a kitten in front of an out of control 18-wheeler.

So, um yeah. Things & stuff. Dinner is about ready and my lovely wife is yearning for my attention on our one day of the week.

More to come. Heh, maybe...